welcome home

i'm excited. i'm happy. i'm thrilled. my husband (Rey) is coming home soon. this is the time when different emotions characterizes my day.

by the way, Rey is a seaman. we've been married for almost 5 years now. guess what..., since then we were only together for a sum of 8 months. why? well, this is the subject of this post.

being a seaman's wife. actually, i don't like using the phrase "seaman's wife" because it reminds me of a movie entitled Lupe, the seaman's wife. it came out when we were newly married. i haven't seen the movie but i watched the reviews of that movie on TV and i did not like what i saw. that's why i never made it to watching the movie until now. though i despise using that phrase i can't find a suitable one to replace it. maybe gaya or brian or tonet can help me find the right term that's better sounding.

so what then if i'm a seaman's wife? people would usually ask me if being a wife of someone who works so many miles away is an advantage or otherwise. my usual answer is just a smile. being one has it's advantages and disadvantages.

let's start with the advantages. first and foremost, i'm the owner of my own time. i don't have to think of him and consult him in things that i do and in almost everything that i would want to pursue. i am living independently. if i wish to go and party all night (which i rarely do), i can do so without him questioning me when i come home late. whenever friends would invite me anywhere, i don't have to ask permission from him. i only have to decide for myself and then i go.

aside from that, i can wear whatever i feel like wearing. i can arrange the house anyway i want. i don't have to cook for someone, clean for someone, take care of someone. in other words, i have freedom. freedom just like when i was still single. ( this does not apply to those with children though). i can think of so many other advantages but as of the moment, i can't seem to remember anything anymore. i might get back at this in a while.

meanwhile, here's the disadvantage. mingaw. with so many miles between us, it's just too difficult and too painful to just even think about it. during his first contract within our marriage, i thought it was okay. i was optimistic that the months would just pass and he'll beback again. after his first contract and he was home, i was so happy i was able to survive it. and so i said, i'll get used to it. his second, third and fourth contract came and ended but i never get used to it. every year, the pain of being away from each other just increases steadily. it never went down. it was only then that i perfectly understood why some would become so depressed when their loved ones left them. (i was reminded by a patient who came to the ER catatonic, clutching her husband's dirty clothes with tears freely flowing. she never answered to any of our questions. we later found out that her husband left to seek greener pastures in the middle east just 2 weeks ago). that was just an example of how painful it is. i also realized that the "mingaw" could kill and could cause a nervous breakdown. fortunately, i never had one. i hope not. hehe

being married to Rey entails a lot of adjustment. it is characterized by a vicious cycle. this cycle starts with him leaving me for work aboard a ship that crosses thousands of miles and traversing different continents. it's painful at the start but then i get a bit of "getting used to being alone" that i become fine with it. i'm fine with me sleeping alone, eating alone, travelling alone. it's not really getting used to it but more of accepting the situation as it is. when i kind of get used to it, then his contract ends and he's back. then another round of adjustment has to be done. i have to get used to having someone sleep beside me with a loud snore (hehehe), someone who can't sleep with the lights on ( i can't sleep with the lights off), someone who wants to have his dinner at 5 pm when i just finished my afternoon snacks and a lot more. after a few weeks, i get used to having him around but then his vacation ends and his contract starts again. then another round of adjustment has to be done. and so on and so forth.

there's another disadvantage i want to talk about - communication lines. we get to fight a lot about why he's not calling or why he's not texting and vice versa. we fight a lot just because we can't express our ideas and emotions over the phone. a lot of miscommunication happens. tears are abundant with this kind of relationship. it's not just about communication gaps but a lot of suppressed emotions plus the fact that we both miss each other so much there's just nothing that could make us feel fine everytime the waves of nostalgia come. it's like getting married to someone who's invisible (my husband would object to this i'm sure). it's being married but being single as well. kind of confusing huh.

but life with him could not only be categorized according to it's advantages and disadvantages. we both need to be strong emotionally and spiritually for us to sustain our relationship and to make our marriage work. a lot of times, we (more often than not it's me) come to the verge of giving up but oftentimes we managed to talk over it and we both decided to just try harder to make it work for both of us.

after 4 years of marriage, the road wasn't that smooth for both of us given the differences in our upbringing and principles. with God's grace we're still here, going strong, growing wiser year after year. we've managed to give up some of our own practices to make room for the other. what's the best thing that ever happened ever since we're married... he was able to bring out the best in me. how? that would be the subject of my future posts.

to end this post, i would like to welcome my husband. he's coming home at the end of this week. finally, our "little" family would be whole again.

i would like to make a request to my loyal readers though (hehehe..). we've been trying to have a baby for the past years and we're hoping that this year we will get pregnant. so please help us pray that we'll have one soon...

till next post....